DeadAliveManiac's Christmas Spooktacular
by DeadAliveManiac
Summary: Follow Cupid on his quest to place eggs throughout the homes of good children on all Hallow's Eve and fight the leprechaun's for supremecy of the New Year, or am I messed up on the actual holiday? But seriously, we got two madman on the loose, a breakdown in reality, and the best gifts. Merry Christmas, Joyous Kwanzaa (whatever the hell it is), and Happy Holidays everyone, enjoy!


DAM had just finished sliding his tie on and straightening it, the snow outside slowly falling and illuminated by the green and red lights dangled around his quaint "rent-a-mansion". He had just sat down to wipe the sweat from his brow and relax for a few moments, admiring the Christmas décor all around, snowman plates, red, green, and snowflake table covers on his table and counter, Christmas tree adorned with every known ornament and cross on top, and even the present he had for his Secret Santa receiver. The present thrashed suddenly with a muffled scream and DAM sprung up quickly, kicking it repeatedly before it quieted down. Just as he walked to sit down, the timer on his oven had just expired and it began its maddening beep. "I'm comin'," he shouted.

After carefully placing the decked-out turkey onto the food table, surrounded by a variety of fruits and vegetables, hors d'oeuvres, burgers, fries, chips and even pizza. _'Murica._ he thought with a smile. Just then he heard his door bell ring, edited to be the tune of 12 Days of Christmas and strolled over to open it, his three deadliest of warriors standing outside, shivering in their armor. "Glad to see you're right on time." he said, waving them in to the couch and a holiday special of a sitcom.

"We would have been here sooner if Hannibal's elephant would have left the barn." the dopplesoldner snapped.

"It's not my fault, his ancestors had troubles in winter, by Baal's beard is it cold, do you have any of the confections which are based upon cocoa and hot water?" he asked.

"You mean hot chocolate?" DAM asked.

"That is what I said, not?" Hannibal replied.

"Okay." DAM said, eyebrows cocked as he walked away, _Who taught him English, the people who translated Zero Wing?!_

He poured his guests each their cups and handed them each one, Lee cooling his first before drinking, the landsknecht simply sniffs it madly, and Hannibal downs most of it, before spitting much of it out and shrieking in pain. "It's called hot for a reason, and you're military history's greatest mind!" DAM said, immediately scrubbing the rug.

Just as he finished wiping the stain clean, he rose again to see the landsknecht downing the cooled drink and Lee sitting with an expressionless gaze at the TV, and Hannibal sucking on ice to cool his wounded orifice. Just as DAM plopped next to Lee, the 12 Days played again and more quests had arrived. He sighed, pushed himself off the couch, and slugged his way to the door, opening it and revealing a man in a fedora and 20's style trench coat with an upscale casual suit underneath. "I don't think I ever had anything with Al Capone?" DAM replied, a grin cracking his face.

"Ha ha, let us in, it's freezing like mother Russian in 1812 out here." Zivon said, leading his gaggle of troops in, two men in steel armor, one with a giant broadsword and red hair and the other with long black hair and a quiver of arrows, a young girl in Firebender clothing, a woman in (what appeared to DAM to be) some form of assless chaps and a revealing corset, a green mechanical being with both hands being large blades, a girl with green eyes and grayish hair wearing a schoolgirl outfit, a man in a jeans, a blue shirt and a brown coat with an NYPD badge, a man in a coat with an ugly striped shirt underneath and sweat pants came next, his eastern European accent showing, a man with a buzzed head and suit that read "N7" on it, with feminine creature in a purple hood and mask clinging to his arm, and a woman in a black and white suit with a scale texture and long black hair followed behind them, arms crossed and storming in with a very angered expression. DAM welcomed the guests to food and two rooms of television, before DAM and Zivon exchanged a handshake and bro-hug. "So…long car ride?" DAM asked.

"Not just for the distance, if awkwardness could kill. Miranda literally found out halfway here Shepard was going with Tali, I'm surprised she didn't lose it and flip the car in the process." he replied

"Yeah, so how are your odds with Miranda looking?" DAM asked, nudging him in the arm.

"Nice try man, but I got a girlfriend." he replied.

"Yeah, she's way out of your league anyhow, she needs a real man."

"Sure, how's Rebecca by the way?"

"Screw you!"

"Hey man, you started." Zivon said, raising his hands.

"She's not dead, if you look at it in slow-mo the bullet went into her shoulder!"

"Alright, whatever you have to tell yourself man." Zivon said.

"She isn't dead, why can't you accept that!" DAM yelled, exasperated.

"You can believe whatever you want, maybe write her back to life if you like?"

"Shut your filthy hole!"

"Dude, she's a bunch of ones and zeros, let it go."

"Oh you fucker, this about more than…"

Just as the argument seemed like it would heat up, the door bell rang for the final time. DAM stormed to the door and opened it, another of his hosts, clad in a suit identical to his was on the other side, "Fight, fight, fight, kiss, kiss, you guys need to chill." Scarecrow said.

"Come in, Zivon is just being a cynical asshole as usual." DAM said, holding the door as his guests trailed, a teenager with yellow hair in an orange suit, sandals, and a metal band around his forehead being wheeled in on a stretcher, his eyes shut tight, another identical to him except in a purple and green suit, his hair green, and face covered with black eyeliner, white face paint, and ruby red lipstick on his lips and scars rising from them, a bald man with red tattoos all over his body as well as scars, and a young man in a school uniform with pink hair and a mellow-depressed look on his face.

"Well, the gang's all here; let's hope we don't have anything like last year happen." DAM said.

"Yeah, I'm still paying off that new roof; at least one of the Narutos is passed out and the other is…well…stark-raving mad." Zivon said, observing the Last Laugh of Konoha Naruto, looking on the unconscious Many Faces of Naruto, his hands by his head as he mumbles, "Defeat several of the most dangerous ninjas known to man and no one bats an eye, but release the Nine-Tail Fox and everyone loses their minds!"

"What is wrong with him?" DAM asked.

"No one really knows, just one bad day I guess, don't bring up his scars." Scarecrow asked.

"Noted, so how are things going with everybody?" DAM asked his co-hosts.

"Well, I've got college, finals, and managing my stories, I'm still working on It's Always New York and the Deadliest Warriors of Fiction, let's see how they work out." Zivon said.

"I'm doing pretty much the same as Zivon, updating most of my stories and getting a great following, can't complain about anything." Scarecrow said.

"I'm just managing school, work, and making all the new stories, the General Trailer is out now and, well, let's just say the next present is already under the Christmas tree." DAM said.

"I gotta hand it to ya, the food screams, "Murica" and the place looks great, can't wait for the night to begin." Zivon said.

"How did you manage to snag a place like this?" Scarecrow added.

"Yeah, the guy who lent me the place for the night is a psycho, I think he stomped some guys head in or something, let's just hope nothing happens to this house or I'll get more than scars." DAM said.

The Last Laugh Naruto turned his head, staring at the hosts, "Did someone mentions _scars_?!" he hissed.

The room fell silent until Miranda Lawson's harrumph (she had refused to stop angrily sighing) drew his attention. He batted the hair from his face and moved towards her, drawing a kunai, "Hello beautiful." he said, seating himself next to her on the couch and observing her face-to-face.

"Piss off ya wanker." she replied.

"Are ya nervous; is it because of the scars? Wanna know how I got 'em?" he said, pulling her close and putting the blade of the kunai in her mouth, drawing the gasps of everybody. "I had a comrade who was beautiful, like you…_**look at me**_…and she had hair like that little boy over there," gesturing to Crona, "She tells me, I battle too much, I need to smile more, who gets too careless in a fight, with dangerous people. One night they cut her face up, we can do nothing. She's miserable, she can't take it, I just wanna see her smile again…I just want her to know I don't care about the scars! So, I stick a kunai in my mouth and do this," gesturing to the scars, "to myself…and you know what, she can't stand the sight of me! She vanishes…now I see it…now I see the funny side…now I'm always smiling!" he says with a smile, raising his kunai in the air right as Miranda elbows him in the groin, doubling him over in pain, rolling him to the floor and saying, "Jeez, take a joke lady!"

"Keep your hands to yourself, ya bugger!" she yelled, her Aussie accent showing.

This Naruto grumbled his way to a chair and sat in it, his arms crossed as he pouted. The party soon rebounded from its disastrously awkward beginning and soon generals talking about greatest battles soon renewed. "I still say our battle of taking over 100,000 darkspawn with just 30,000 and killing their dragon leader has to be my crowning achievement and the greatest in history, nothing can compete." Alistair said.

"You mention odds, only a few thousand of my soldiers took over Rome, the most powerful city in the world, and held it hostage, we behead 6,000 and razed the city before we left." the dopplesoldner replied.

"Yes, but you attacked mostly unarmed civilians, I took on the largest army ever assembled at the time and completely encircled it, I changed warfare." Hannibal rebutted.

"I took out the most powerful of gods by myself, I think this constitues me as the greatest!" Kratos said.

"You did a fine job, son, but I broke the cardinal rule of military strategy, cut my army in half and still earned my most stunning victory." Lee answered.

"Yes, but you cut off your own arm during that fight." Hannibal said, smirking.

"You damn, dirty devil…" Lee roared, knowing who he was referring to, "At least I could take an offensive that could have won the war."

"I lost but one battle; you lost several and you signed a treaty to force your entire nation to surrender." Hannibal said.

"Come now fellows," said the dopplesoldner, "surely we can forget this conversation."

"Oh great, now the Renaissance crossdresser is going to preach to us about etiquette." Alistair said.

"OH, and I must take excrement from a man this author knows nothing about!" the landsknect shouted back.

"I'm 56 years old and I'm sure I could shove my thigh-highs so far up your keister you'll cough up my boot laces!" Lee said, wagging his finger at the dopplesoldner.

"I would break you like I did all the maidens in my quarters, you elderly swine!" Kratos roared.

"I have but one eye and I could still give you a rather rough round of fistifcuffs, old man." Hannibal added.

"Zip it, cyclops!" Alistair rebutted.

"You know what, screw you guys...I'm going home!" Kratos said, strutting to the door before kicking it open and walking off into the night.

The argument quickly heated further as Crona watched, his demon riding him the whole way. "Come on man, let's eat and hit up some of the ladies here, they are fine." Ragnarok said, eyeing On Ji.

Crona's face turned bright red and he looked at his demon with surprise, "You realize she's underage, right?!"

"Hey, I'm a demon, what do I care?"

Crona sighed and slapped his forehead before he heard someone clear their throat in front of him, he looked up to see Velanna standing before him, blushing slightly. "Hello, I was just wondering if you had any company?" she mumbled.

"No, we're fine, here," Ragnarok said, patting Crona's knee, "come take a seat on his lap and tell him all about your daddy issues."

Velanna's mouth dropped and she stormed away, eyes closed and chin raised in indignity. Crona slapped his head again, "Why am I stuck with such an imbecile?"

He heard another person clear their throat in front of him and he hastily opened his eyes, but a slight smile cracked his face. "Hi Maka."

"Hey Crona, what are you doing over here?" the girl replied.

"I told you this already...I'm not good with people." his voice broke, tears filling his eyes.

Maka took his hand, reassuring, "Trust me, you and I are probably the most normal people here, especially compared to the host." Maka said, pointing to DAM, who was sporting a pair of sunglasses and bit his lower lip as he stared at Miranda's backside.

Before Crona could say another word, he was taken by the hand and wisked away to the table of the majority of the guests.

At a table in the kitchen, several of the characters were waiting for the word of food and exchanging stories. "…I guess I just really admire her for her strength and perseverance, my mother showed me what true strength was." Maka said.

"Wow, that's so…" Shepard began.

"Touching?" Tali said, Shepard having his arm wrapped around her as she nuzzled against him.

"No…childish, if you want adversity, let's talk about taking down skyscraper-sized aliens, then we've got something." Shepard gloated.

Maka crossed her arms muttered, "I think I've overcome a lot dealing with your pretentious bull shit." and frowned as Nathaniel chimed in, "How about taking down darkspawn, humans, and other beings who threaten our way of life, now that's overcoming the odds!"

"I came into this country to leave a life of trouble, but ever since I got here, man, my blood pressure has doubled. I've fought mobsters, betrayal, police, and even cursed swing sets." Niko added, much to the laughter of the group.

"I have yet to have destroyed anything yet in this household, I find that to be a bit of a surprise." Tanma said, carefully balancing a ceramic cup in his blades.

"I can't complain, I've had a great book series and now the NYPD has me solve crimes, which is exactly why you're here Niko." Castle said, the Eastern European crossing his arms, sputtering and turning away. "Anyway, we're trying to find some psychopath right now; he's a big meth kingpin we're trying to take down, real fruitcake."

"But what about me," the unconscious Naruto suddenly sprung up, his voice and movements greatly exaggerated and eyes still shut, "Everyone just assumes I'm in a coma but everyone just fell for my biggest prank."

Soon, they noticed several wires connected to his arms and trailed them to the ceiling, the Last Laugh Naruto working him like a puppet from an open attic door.

"How the hell did he get up there?" Velanna asked, sitting next to Nathaniel.

Naruto laughed maniacally before cutting the wires with scissors and slamming the door shut. They soon heard a metallic snap, a yelp of pain, then several more metallic snaps followed by Naruto falling through the ceiling, covered in snap traps. "What can I say; I think we might have rats? Let's dig in people!" DAM said.

The group began to feast heartily, food disappearing left and right from the table as conversations were shared. "…and so I say, "You can fight like a Crogan, run like a leopard, but you'll never be greater than me"." Commander Sheppard said, slapping his knee and laughing, only Tali joining in his laughter.

"Seriously, this is the greatest protagonist the 360 has ever produced; I see why they red ring now." DAM said.

"Yeah, he's also a royal traitor if you ask me." Miranda mumbled.

DAM turned away, licking his fingertips and straightening his eyebrows, then his hair, and finally a quick spray of breath freshener, before he settled his arm around her, "You know, I own this place, a lot of rooms where we can…_be alone_."

Miranda grabbed his hand and squeezed it so hard DAM nearly yelped, demanding, "Take your hand off me now or I keep it."

"Sweety, you don't wanna know where that hand's been." DAM said.

"Not with a woman, that's for sure." Crona said, leading to an uproar of laughter.

On Ji laughed as she went to the food table again, her smile disappearing as she came back, tapping DAM on the shoulder, gingerly rubbing his knuckles. "We have a problem." she said.

DAM went to the room and saw what was happening, the Last Laugh Naruto was now fixing what looked like explosives to the food table, turning and cackling at the host, tossing him what appeared to be two detonators. "I have set up 2 bombs, you've found one and there is another elsewhere, one blows this up or blows up something completely random. You choose what switch to hit or I'll hit them both within the next 10 minutes."

DAM rubbed his chin for a few moments and the light bulb went off, "I choose that neither switch goes off."

Naruto looked befuddled before he responded, "That's not how it works."

"But you said those are the rules, I choose what is blown up and I chose nothing." DAM replied.

"No, you either blow something up or I blow both things up."

"But why not?"

"Because those are the rules, I'm trying to prove a point"

"How long do I have?"

"Ten minutes, ten minutes, TEN MINUTES!"

"Okay, I'll just find and defuse the other bomb."

"No, you can't do that!"

"Why not?"

"I said you couldn't."

"No you didn't!?"

"Yes I did...way back in the beginning!"

"Can you please explain the rules again?"

"You have 10 minutes to decide which object to blow up, the table or a super-duber secret one, those are the only choices!"

DAM paused, rubbing his chin, "Can I phone a friend?"

"Oh for the love of God, I'll do it myself!" Naruto yelled, snatching the two detonators from DAM and hitting the first, blowing the food table apart and chunks of food everywhere, the equivalent of the Hindenburg tragedy to America now unfurled before DAM's eyes. Naruto pressed the second and…nothing.

"Oh give me a break!" he growled as he madly tapped the button.

The house shook madly after a few moments of furious button pressing, the roof blowing completely off of the house and disintegrating. DAM stood with his mouth open in shock for several moments, then said, "Son of a bitch, do you have any idea how expensive this place was, there goes that security deposit!"

Two figures flashed past DAM and subdued Naruto, Zivon and Scarecrow forcing him into a straight jacket, then picked him up and strapped him to a nearby dolly. "Brought this just in case." Scarecrow grunted as he forced Naruto into the straps.

DAM let his head flop backwards as he sighed and yelled angrily, "Let's just open presents now, I can't handle much more."

The gift exchange began and everyone hit the tree, grabbing gifts like mad men. The landsknecht tore his open from On Ji, a large box-shape wrapped in red paper. He opened the box and produced a minuscule Fire Nation emblem pin, On Ji smiled innocently at him and he returned the smile. _You're death will be slow and agonizing._ he thought.

Tanma literally ripped the box containing his in half from Alistair, a massive sword of dragon bone on the inside. "It's even equipped to fit for your hand." Alistair said

Excited, the creature unscrewed his hand and replaced the blade with the new one.

Hannibal was the next to retrieve and open his gift from Nathaniel, a new gold quiver of arrows on the inside. "My skirmishers will be in your base, killing your dudes with your own weapon." he proclaimed to Nathaniel, both laughing and exchanging a handshake.

Miranda was still scowling as Crona came up to her, handing her a simple piece of paper, hands shaking madly as if he had Parkinson's. "It isn't much, but I think it suits you very well." he said.

She read through the poem and slowly her look of anger broke down to happiness and then of surprise, then full blown depression, going to a corner and sitting in the fetal position, uttering, "I wish was never synthesized."

Maka was marveling her new gift; a serum marked "Cure for Black Blood". She was jumping with excitement and hugged Zivon. "I love my job." he said.

Scarecrow had a look of embarrassment on his face, a soliferrum in his hands and Hannibal looking at him disapprovingly. "It is not as weak as you proclaim it to be." Hannibal said with an angry tone, before laughing and slapping Scarecrow on the back.

Castle handed DAM a rectangular-shaped object and he hastily opened it, expecting a book on military history. He looked at it and instantly his face showed his disappointment. It was Castle's entire book series in one. "It is probably the best read you've ever had." Castle said, patting DAM's shoulder, who chuckled and replied, "Touch me again and you'll be the next gel torso you shameless, self-plugging ass."

Niko flicked the corked glass he had been given, the purple liquid swishing around inside. "It is an invisibility potion, though only temporary." Velanna said, Niko sprouting an evil smile as he heard this.

Scarecrow laid a utensil with a spoon on one end, a curve in the middle, and fork at the other on the comatose Naruto's chest, a note attached that said, "Be careful with the fork end, it cuts the corner of your mouth worse than Captain Crunch."

Sheppard and Tali exchanged gifts simultaneously, Shepard tearing his open and finding a pair of footy pajamas marked "N7", what he'd always wanted since he was a boy. Tali opened hers and produced a tube of what appeared to be ointment, squinted at it, and asked, "What's KY Intense Brand Jelly?"

Velanna struggled into her new black and white battle suit, Miranda watching over her shoulder, still in her depressed state. "It's a little…*cough*…tight!" Velanna said.

"Well, you got curves like that, the boys need to see, doll." she muttered.

Crona was turning his new book over in his hands, his expression still worried and confused, then his face turned red as he read the title, "How to Deal With Gender Confusion". "I thought it would come in handy." Tanma said, laughing hysterically.

Scarecrow handed Castle a gift from the unconscious Naruto and, upon unwrapping it, discovered it to be a scroll of how to summon creatures and conjure abilities. "Use it wisely; some of those can destroy the world." Scarecrow said.

Alistair was responding to his vile in a similar manner to Niko, Maka quickly stopping him and informing him, "That's black blood, very dangerous but good when you're in a pinch."

On Ji struggled to accept her gift, a Desert Eagle in her hands. "Don't worry; I was using guns when I was your age." Niko said, walking away and mumbling, "Let's see the video game protestors get angry, now."

"NIKO!" Castle shouted.

"Shit."

Zivon knelt by his gift, oddly human shaped and seeming to breathe. He tore it open and revealed it to be a man in a brown suit and a red armband with a swastika; it was the führer himself, Adolf Hitler, tied up and gagged. "Dude, how did you do this?!" Zivon said, almost hysterical.

"Hey, I host a TV show on history, you'd think I would have had a time machine by now." DAM replied.

"Oh, I'm gonna enjoy this!" Zivon said, leaving Hitler under the tree for the time being.

"Was that everybody?" DAM asked.

He looked everyone over and thought all was well, until he saw Nathaniel sitting on the couch, pouting and arms crossed. "Oh, you were the odd one out." DAM said.

Several awkward seconds went by until Ragnarok led Crona to Nathaniel, handing him a thin book with maniacal laughter. Nathaniel read the title and repeated it with confusion, "My Immortal?"

After a few minutes of silent reading, except for Ragnarok's snickering, Nathaniel slammed the book shut and walked to the corner Miranda was in and hunkered down next to her, weeping hysterically. Ragnarok began to laugh uncontrollably as red stained the floor around Nathaniel. DAM peered over him and exclaimed, "God dammit, he's crying blood, what have you done Ragnarok?!"

"Let's just say I've destroyed civilized society in this household as we know it!" he said, almost squeaking like a capuchin in his laughter.

Soon Miranda produced a razor from out of nowhere and attempted to slit her wrist, but Shepard grabbed her by the wrist and said, "Miranda don't, I love only you!"

She stared deeply into his eyes and they locked lips, Tali being shocked by the sight ran from the room, tears strolling from her eyes. "No wait, come back, I love you!" Shepard shouted, Miranda clocking him in the back of the head as he finished.

"Oh God, I know what's going on, that book is destroying this story slowly, first with the shitty clichés and stereotypes, then uncontrolled mood swings, and…and…the walls will ooze green slime!" DAM said, observing this very phenomenon, disclaiming afterward, "Oh wait, they always do that, what were the other things?"

Zivon's eyes widened, adding, "The grammar are going to be destroy and things will get more badder."

Everyone gasped…it was hapnign. "Oh come on, it cna't be that bad you fokng prepz!" the landsknecht said, covering his mouth immediately.

Miranda had her love back in Shepard; they stare at each other sexily and kiss that way too. Shepard carried her away and out of sight, Niko following behind with a dastardly smile. Soon Crona was becoming even more depressed, writing down even more poetry as he cotumpletad slitting his wrists. Maka was siting and enjoying life cauze she was a fokng prep bitch and On Ji was dueing her homwrk coz prpz r nerdz. DAM wuz weary a pair of ripped fishnets, a red feather boa, and a black corset and miniskirt with wite foundation and blac eyeshadow, crying tears of blood. Meanwhile in the bedroom, Mirnada was undrusign Shpard and he was do to here. They laid on the bed and he put his thingy in her you-know-what and they did it. But they hearded a noze, it was a sound of two lesbeins getting' it own, someone motterd, "Romen, WTH now is not da tim you prep!", soon Niko apard out of nowear, his cok in his hand. "Niko, you foking pervret, WTF!?" Miranda yielded.

DAM bursteded into da room and yielded, "Wat the fak are u prepz doin in muh bed?!" he then randed away suicidely cruing, Niko behind him. Al of da sudden, a lrage red track crashed trhough da house, pieces fell everywhere after it bustered through and hit Niko, sending him trew anoter wall, he lookt dad. A man in a greasy white shit and sweatpants and wrok boots and thinning hair stepped out…it was Traver Phylps.

"Cease this faggotry at once!" he yielded, pciking the book off the ground and taking it outside, trowing it into da air and shooting rckt at it, blowing it up.

Son afrewards, evyreno bcaem more...cognative in thought and speech and DAM shouted, "What the actual fuck am I wearing and who did this to me?!"

Trevor strolled back into the house and noticed the lifeless body he had hit, kicking Niko in the ribs and getting a moan, Trevor reassured, "He's fine."

"That's him, that's the guy we were hunting!" Castle pointed at Trevor.

"Freeze, NYPD!" shouted a woman who had stormed into the party, a pistol aimed at Trevor.

The entire room raised their arms, not moving a muscle as Trevor preceded from raising his hands to doing the Macarena. "Ah, good to see you've finally made it, Beckett." Castle said to his partner.

"I've been chasing this idiot all over the state; he's got everything in the book on him in just the past hour!"

Trevor turned to the female officer and his expression changed from anger to awe, he ran to her and knelt before her, bowing and wrapping around her leg. "Oh fuck, I love ya!" he said, scooping her off her feet.

"Put me down!" she demanded.

"Oh don't be like that, we are gonna be a great couple, as long as you take left, right, and center." he chuckled.

"PUT...ME...DOWN!" she screamed, ramming the butt of the pistol into his forehead.

Trevor stumbled back after dropping Becket, looking at his bloodied hand and blood drip from his head. He began to shake violently and his eyes opened wide, shouting, "I'M GOING ON A...A...A...RAMPAGE!"

Beckett shot at him but the bullet passed through him to no avail, he slowly walked away, several more shots being fired at him but yielding no results as he turned a corner into the room where Shepard and Miranda remained, Miranda screaming, Trevor shouting, "Nice ass, sweety!" and returning moments later, a power drill with a dildo attached in his hand. "Come here!" he said.

"How the hell did he get that!?" Beckett shouted.

"He do you think owns this place, and it better be spotless when get back here you little shit!" Trevor growled, getting in DAM's face.

Beckett continued to pull the trigger, but she only got the sound of clicks. She threw her gun and ran for the door and her cruiser, then fled the scene. "Get back here, you bitch!" Trevor shouted, getting in his car and driving away.

DAM put his hand over his eyes and sighed deeply, "Let's just get this over with, party's over."

The hosts rounded up their crew and headed for their cars and gifts as a lone figure hobbled away into the night. They loaded into their cars and the hosts exchanged goodbyes and departed. "See ya man, you look great by the way." Zivon said, chuckling.

"Yeah, it really fits your personality, I think you should dress like this on set." Scarecrow said, inciting hysterical laughter from he and Zivon

DAM walked back to the door and shouted, "Oh yeah, ha ha, very funny, see you jackoffs next year!"

DAM slammed the door shut and it fell straight to the ground. His head flopped back and he groaned angrily. He looked up and watched as snow fell into the house, a cold wind chilling him, even through his scant clothing. He rubbed his arms and muttered, "Scarecrow better deal with this shit next year!"

Almost immediately, he was nailed in the head by a box from the sky, nearly knocking him out as he collapsed. He sprung up and readied to stomp the long, rectangular object to smithereens if had not been for the tag. It read, "To: DeadAliveManiac" and on the line below, "From: Santa Clause". _You've gotta be shitting me._ he thought, ripping the tag off and reading the back, "I'm not."

He tore off the paper and ripped the box open, his eyes instantly widening as he marveled the contents. He laid it on the ground and gently picked up the insides with both hands, and produced a 1796 light cavalry saber. "He's real!"

DAM took a few test swings, then had a sudden realizations, "Wait, I already have one of these at the fight club." he said, throwing the sword over his shoulder and sticking it into the wall. His shoulders shrugged and his eyes nearly shut, thinking, _Trevor's going to skin me._ He perked right up with another thought in mind. He noticed Scarecrow's car was short one person, _Where's Kratos? _And another, more terrifying thought accured as he looked under the tree. _W__here the fuck is Hitler?_

Hitler clumsily waddled through the snow, being tied at the knees, wrists, and around his midsection and arms, the gag wet from his cries for help. He looked back every so often to ensure he was being followed, panicking more and more with each passing minute. He was headed for the lights in the distance, civilization at last. He heard a crack behind him and turned suddenly, nothing was afoot. He heard it again and spun around, still nothing near him. The cracking sound grew more intense and he felt terrible vibrations at his feet. He looked down and noticed the ice beneath him, slowly working a web-like pattern beneath him. He looked up, a look of surprise and utter terror on his face as the ice gave way, nearly a 20 foot diameter now beneath the water. The führer bobbed to the top and thrashed madly for safety but to no avail, he merely sat in the freezing water and shivered. Soon, his expression changed to acceptance as he looked down into the water, sunk down to just below his nose. Suddenly, an orchestra like sound began from seemingly nowhere, slowly at first then faster and more menacingly. He spun in all directions and finally saw a massive dorsal fin breaking the water, circling him. His muffled cries grew hysterical as he spun around to keep up with the demon hunting him. Suddenly, the music stopped and the fin sunk beneath the water, Hitler breathing heavily in his advanced hypothermia and fear, then let out one last muffled scream and a cascade of tears as he slowly sunk beneath the water with a torrent of bubbles.

_Credits roll to Don't Bring Me Down by ELO_

_Author: DeadAliveManiac_

_Co-Authors: Scarecrow'sMainFan and Zivon96_

_Cast: Hannibal Barca_

_Landsknecht Dopplesoldner_

_Robert E. Lee_

_Alistair Theirin_

_Tanma_

_On Ji_

_Niko Bellic_

_Richard Castle_

_Commander Shepard_

_Miranda Lawson_

_Tali'Zorah_

_Nathaniel Howe_

_Velanna_

_Maka Albarn_

_Kratos_

_The Last Laugh of Konoha Naruto_

_Many Faces of Naruto Naruto_

_Special Guests: Ragnarok _

_Adolf Hitler_

_Kate Beckett_

_Trevor Philips_

_Santa Clause_

_Jaws_

_In Memory of Rebecca Chang, who is still missing, not dead!_

_Special Thanks to whoever wrote My Immortal for my brain-melting idea._

_In Memory of Zivon96: Born: Who Cares Died: Not Soon Enough_

_FanFiction Productions_

_Caligula Entertainment_

_Sticking a Toothpick Under Your Big Toenail and Kicking a Wall Co._

_All Procedes Go to the Anti-Game Rage Association_

A hand burst through the ice near shore, then the entire body of Germany's dictator, he dragged himself to dry land, leaving a trail of blood from his severed arm, leg, and groin region. He looked up at the now clear night sky, wondering how his life led to this, all he wanted was a glass of juice. He heard the sound of a sword being drawn behind him and looked up, a man in a Hawaiian shirt and covered in red tattoos stood over him, two massive blades in each hand. "Oh, I'm gonna enjoy this!" Kratos said, his swords igniting in flames as Hitler's screams filled the night sky.

**Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all of my readers if the first offends you for whatever reason or this story does in general (I'm politically incorrect for a method known as satire). Hoped you enjoyed this year's holiday fanfic and had a good laugh along the way. Now as an added bonus, go check under the Christmas tree named my profile and see what presents are left there for all of you. Thanks to Zivon for handing me the reigns of this project, I pray I did not disappoint anyone and everybody enjoyed this. Enjoy the break and holidays everybody, I got books on Napoleon Bonaparte and the battle of Chancellorsville (over 1,000 pages combined!) now just two days 'til another DW matchup!**


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